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Once Upon A Dead Bird
(or, The Ungrateful Maggots)
by John E. Boser
Once upon a dead bird,
I found beside a tree,
Fifty tiny maggots were staring up at me.
So I said unto the maggots,
as they ate their meal of stench,
Your food would taste much better with a table & a bench.
Then I built a little table, for the picnickers delight,
And I painted pretty colors, red and blue and white.
With the bird upon the table,
each white maggot took a seat,
And I passed out little forks, that my guests could use to eat.
Then they all began to quibble,
each one squirming in its place,
But before another nibble, I commenced by saying grace.
In the west the sun was setting,
Full moon rising in the east.
So I went about my business, and left the maggots to their feast.
That's the last I ever saw them, they left without a word.
All that's left's a little table, and some remnants of a bird.
But I think of them quite often, with many retrospective sighs,
When I'm sitting at my table swatting all these pesky flies.
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A Disgracefully Sickening Love Poem
(Leonard Cohen had nothing to do with this.)
Once upon a time, in a valley far away,
Cupid shot an arrow, but it must have lost its way.
For it landed in a letter box, filled with A's and B's.
And let's not forget to mention, there were also C's and D's.
But those letters were quite lucky, for the arrow passed right by,
Hitting 5 unlucky letters, E, F, G, H, and I.
The letters were arranged so that E lined up with Q,
So,
E fell in love with Q, F fell in love with R,
G fell in love with S, H fell in love with T,
And I fell in love with U.
Then E chased Q until the two, could meet on equal terms,
F and R traveled far, to France, and took up raising worms,
G went with S to live in sin, with joy that made them sing,
H and T were joined in thoughts of the joy their love would bring,
But though I would rather be with U than any other letter,
To U the thought's outrageous, that I would not know better.
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A Birthday Card For A Gal I Never Knew
If I had a time machine,
And if I knew the way,
I'd travel back in time until
I found your first birthday.
Then I'd pick you up and hold you
Soft against my shoulder,
And I'd rock you in my arms until
You got a little older.
Then I'd tell you stories
To make you laugh and grin.
And if that worked, I'd turn around
And do it all again.
If I thought you would be happy,
A sin though it may be,
I'd hop back in my time machine,
And take you home with me.
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THE ARITHMETIC LADY
--a rap song--
by John E. Boser
I met a girl one Saturday night
When I was running from some hopeless fight
Her hair was blonde and her eyes were red,
From doing arithmetic in her head.
Well I looked around when I saw her place,
I said, "It's a real nice house, and such a pretty face,"
She told me "Flattery's a waste of time;
Cause I can do arithmetic in my mind."
A while later when I was getting well,
I offered her a little Packard Bell.
She laughed and spat on the CPU.
She said that junk there's got nothin'
to do.
She said "I can figure out the Federal budget,
The Coulee Dam and Niagara (Fudge it),
And how much water's goin down the drain,
And
I do all the arithmetic in my brain."
(I said WoW!)
I said "but what about the time of the season,
And the Rennaisance, and the Age of
Reason?"
She said, "keep that crap the Greeks and Romans said,
I can do arithmetic in my head."
It's often times I've seen her linger,
Counting something up on her fingers,
She winks and proclaims that Babbage is dead,
"I'm doin' that arithmetic in my head."
Well, I've heard
a man from the I R S
Tried to find receipts but he had to guess.
She said, "I don't use a pencil, pen or a paper,
And I don't waste time with no calculator.
"So don't waste time looking for receipts
Or data disks or scribble sheets.
Everything I know I keep right up here."
Then she tapped her
finger by her ear.
She said, "I've got a brain like a smaller planet,
That they tried to measure (but they couldn't span it).
From the day I
was born to the day I was wed,
I was doin' arithmetic in my head."
(She was doin that arithmetic in her head.)
Her ex-husband called and
threatened to pound me,
If he ever caught that woman around me.
I told him it was nothing like he had said,
She'd just been doin' arithmetic in her
head.
He said he knew what I was talkin' about,
"She's a gal of habit, there is no doubt."
Then he told me about the day of their weddin'
How he was hot for the evening but she was sitting in bed'n
Doin that 'rithmetic in her head,
Yeah, she was doin' that 'rithmetic in her head.
(She keeps doin' that 'rithmetic in her head.)
(She won't stop doin' that 'rithmetic in her head.)
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